Love never fails..=)

It has really been a really really really long time since i last posted anything up on my blog or even write a single letter just for the fun of it. But i guess every once in a while we all will feel like writing something in our lives about the people we know, the things that we do, our activities or interests, or even our thoughts and feelings. But i guess everything has been really different for me ever since i landed in New Zealand; the land of sheep, with the population of sheep exceeding the humans by 10 times. The weather is so dry and cooling, hot at times, windy, rainy..you can pretty much get 4 seasons in a day. Not that i am complaining about the weather, it does not really bother me much, the people are nice too; friendly, ever helpful, many times a bit too nice to believe that it's true. Despite all the things mentioned above, the one thing that really made me feel so different living here in New Zealand is that i am far away from my love ones, and for some, i am further away from them compared to before when i was still sipping coconut fluid with my hands behind the back of my head, lazing on the couch in Melaka. Everything has changed, for better or worse i do not know, but the sudden leap of alteration is slowly creeping up my mind, and i cannot help but wonder if everything will be all right.

I miss my family a lot, but more than that i miss my sunshine or rather Bebe or so i call her tremendously. We started off being quite far away from each other, with her being in UK and me being in Malaysia, but things just gone even farther when i came here. Now that we are 13 hours apart from each other, communication has become more difficult and many times we just feel so helpless and wonder when will we ever have the time to talk and listen to each other. Waking up everyday at 6am to talk to my Bebe is really tiring but it makes me happy to hear her voice every morning before i head for my breakfast and classes. It is always nice to just listen to her and tell her about my day previously right at the start of the day. =) we do not get to talk much but every single seconds of our conversation is precious to me.

My Bebe is pretty, smart and beautiful. If you ask me what i like about her most would most likely be her smile. To me her smile is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen, it always make me smile too. =) If you ask me what i love about her, that would most definitely be everything about her; her good points and also her bad points, basically the whole of her. Ever since coming to New Zealand, I have been missing her a lot, i miss her laughter, i miss her smile, i miss her kisses and her fingers in which fit perfectly into the spaces between mine. I miss the times that we spent together; going about KL and Penang, even walking along the river in Malacca. I could still remember them all very clearly as if it just happened a few seconds ago. But now that we are so far away, it makes me sad at times thinking about the distance and what we will be going through the next 3 years. Life is going to be hard, and love is going to be harder..

I personally am afraid of LDR, but i have always believed that nothing is impossible. And if two person really love each other and want to be together, no matter how far the world can separate them apart, they will still some how make it happen. I guess many times distance actually kill a relationship when both parties let it get into them. They become more and more conscious of the distance, the time difference that is so ever annoying when it comes to communicating and finally they just wind up saying the relationship is not possible and leave. When people actually get to the point of doing so, they are most likely afraid and scared of what is ahead of them, and many times they just run away due to the unforeseen circumstances that they do not want to face. They feel that running away would help them escape the hurt that was about to come, but little do they know that they might be regretting years down the road of that tiny fear that drove them to make the worst mistake of their lives.

So how to get through it ? a simple word : commitment. As much as you love some one in your life it is never enough unless you are committed to loving that same person for as long as you live. And every single day as you gaze upon that very face, your love for her will just keep growing as much as your commitment to the relationship, because you know that that very girl may just very well be the love of your life for as long as your lungs can breathe and heart can beat. Because, when commitment and love sets in, then comes all the effort you two will put in to make the relationship work and everything will be just fine. =)

I love my Bebe and i know she loves me too. =) And i am committed to this relationship and i do not hesitate to say that my love for her indeed is and will continue to grow each and every day even by just the thought of her. Because i know that we may be far right now, but one day we will be near each other, and for as long as we trust and love one another, everything will be just fine. I love you Bebe, more than you ever imagine. =)

Me and my sunshine =)


Me and my Bebe =)

Journey through the storm..

As we walk through the valley of life, we will come to notice that everything is more than just a game. We brace ourselves and face the storm; with swords and shields we wield and fortify our ground. And every once in a while, we take a deep breath, hoping that no opportunist would come and snipe us down. So we kept alert and with our eyes wide opened as the eagle's. Then, at certain point of our lives, we come across someone attractive, and we begin to let down our shield, sheath the sword. And as time goes by, we removed our armor and helmet, and our faces began to show. Emotions that were guarded, now runs free and seem ever so comfortable at it's own pace. We began to trust so much more than we could ever, we tore down every brick we built before, and with a hammer, we smashed down barriers around us. Just as everything was going on well, we find ourselves walking into a very trap of thorns, arrows and piercing weapons. Cutting from every angle, slicing our flesh, our blood oozed out of the flesh, we cried in pain but nothing could be done, for we walked right into the wounds that could have been prevented by the shield and armor we once wore. So we ran, we ran with all our might, we ran until we could not run anymore. With every step of bloody footprints and dripping wounds, we held our breath and kept moving away; away from the place where it all taken place. Everything happened so quickly, that within moments we find ourselves collapsing on the hard earth, tearing with reasons that we could not understand. We dragged ourselves around for a while; with little strength, we breathed heavily. Time does miracles, the bleeding stopped, the pain was gone, bandages removed but scars were formed. We then returned to the very same spot where we began. Picking up the shield and sword that we left behind, we put them on and walk with no physical hurt but only pain in the memories of the scars left on our bodies. We wore armors, we held shields, we wielded swords, we built walls and barriers thicker than before. We become sharper than the eagle, tougher than the bear, swifter than the cheetahs; and slowly we moved, constantly reminding ourselves to not let loose of our guard. With our hands rubbing on the scars left on our flesh, we stiffen our jaws and gritted our teeth and walked every step with heavy breaths; fearing of the known and unknown that might strike anytime and anywhere. We walked with no openings, not realizing the chinks in the armor that could give us away..

run..

You be yourself, and I'll be me.

You run your race, and I'll run mine.

If you do fall, I'll come by.

Together we run, and we'll do just fine..

Be a warrior..

Why is it so difficult to fall in love and even more difficult to fall out of it?

Does it not bother you how everything should be but never came to be?

You run into love one day and you find yourself the luckiest person on earth, but little do you know that you are just about this close to pain, hurt, burnt and even sharp piercing coming from the sharpest weapon of all times. You think you have it all, but in fact you have not anything but just a little happiness in which could last but did not. It's like climbing a hill and falling down half way through or maybe even at the very top. Slow steps and constant efforts were put into every inch of height you climbed, but it takes only one small pebble to get you off footing and fall like a rock, back to where you started, except this time, with bruises and wounds; and probably the fear to climb that very hill again. 

So do you not climb and save all the hurt or do you climb and take the risks? The risk to either end up in the happiest place you could be, or back in where you belonged with cuts and wounds that turn into scars and never heal completely. Brave yourself, but do not be a fool. Instead, be a warrior, a warrior who believes in what he or she is doing, and goes on all the way to the end; no matter how many times he or she falls apart, or gets pounding back and forth by large swords and hammers of the enemies. A warrior runs and falls, but never stops running. A warrior goes into battle with sword drawn and armor worn, swinging his weapon with full strength. The swings may seem wild, but they were actually precise and limitless concentration was put into every swing; aiming to win over the enemy, to kill with one strike. Every warrior who goes into the battlefield they are ready to face death, but more often than not, it is their enemy that faces death instead. 

Brave yourself, but do not be a fool. For a fool puts on a fake front, and when he or she fails, he or she perishes and no longer come of existence. So be a warrior; grip your sword and face the horde of suffering and pain. Be a warrior, grit your teeth and come out swinging. 

i need..

i dream even when i do not care to. 

i think even when i do not need to.

i walk even when i do not have to.

i cry even when i do not want to.

i do things that i myself do not know why. i find myself drawing ink on a white piece of paper, not knowing the shape or even the colour i've drawn. i look into the sky, and find myself so distant away from the stars and the moon. i want to go there, i want to be closer to space. i want to fly, fly off this surface of earth and dirt, to a brand new place where nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me. i want a lot of things, but i can only get this much, and that is reality. Sometimes, or rather, many times, we get stuffs that we do not want and we do not get the things that we want. But i guess, we do always get what we need, even at times we do not know that that very thing is what we really need. We may not want it, but we actually needed it to wake us up, or make us a stronger and better person.

we want a lot of things, but truly it is only those things that we need we get. And i guess, we should be thankful, because, if we get what we want all the time, we might end up spoilt and destroyed. But what we need will always make us a better person tomorrow and the day after and in the future. 

wonders..

I wonder how, I wonder why and I stop wondering.

Because, there is no point in doing so.

Instead, I started staring into empty space; this time, pretend to wonder, but in actual fact it is all blank in the very lobes that control my thoughts and movements. 

Very ironic it is, where I found it pointless to actually think and replaced it with an even meaningless act of "thinking". Especially on a stage with no audience or judges. 

Then I wonder how, and I wonder why, and I stop wondering..

Because, there is no point..

Am I?

Am I chasing after the wind, that comes and caress my face and disappears the next moment?

Am I following the rainbow, which it's end never seem to come to pass?

Am I running a race with no ending line drawn?

Am I walking on muddy pool, that turned out to be sinking sands, slowly sucking me in?

Am I flying in the sky, only to find myself falling like a rock with no wings?

Am I mesmerized by the sun and it's sheer brightness, only to find myself blind the very next second?

Am I jumping on concrete ground with no shoes on, bleeding away with wounds and scratches on my feet?

Am I stupid?

yes..

Love..

Now these three remain - faith, love and hope; but the greatest of them all is love. 

I can say so much about love and describe it so well with words. But nothing compares to this; when love is put up to compete on the same platform as faith and hope, it stood out as the winner. That proves it all. As I have always said, with love comes life. Live a life with love and your life will not just be a living or existence, but more than that, it truly becomes a life in a life itself.

Love never fails..

Hiding place

I have found myself a hiding place

I have found myself a secret space

In the shelter of Amighty's love

In the safety of the Saviour's arms

I will run to the hiding place

I will run to the hiding place

Draw me ever closer to look upon Your face

I will run to the hiding place

I have found myself a hiding place

I have found myself a secret space

In the refuge of the Father's care

In the cleansing blood of Jesus there

I will run to the hiding place

I will run to the hiding place

Draw me ever closer to look upon Your face

I will run to the hiding place

Though my fear may overwhelm me

And troubles, they surround

Though

The wind rise up to take me

My hiding place is already found

I have found myself a hiding place

I have found myself a secret space

In the shelter of Amighty's love

In the safety of the Saviour's arms

Oh, wanna look upon Your face

I will run to the hiding place

....

When we were kids, we did not have much to bother with. We run as we like, we talk as we like, we even do whatever that pleases us without giving a single care or worry to the consequences of our actions. 

Then we grew older. We start to care about our appearance, what we do in public, whether it will cause us to be embarrassed, or how people looked at us in every aspect of our lives. We became so self conscious that we think more than twice before we say a word or get involve in certain things.

And just about time when we were feeling so tied down by what other people sees of us, someone comes along in our lives and sweep our feet away. We fell in like, then we chose to love the very person. Then our actions began to be focus on that very person; whether he or she likes how we dressed, or whether we embarrassed ourselves in front of them. Slowly, we began to be so oblivious to the people around us. And when we started going out with the very person we fell in love with, nothing else seems to matter anymore. What people say about you, what people think about you, because all that we care is what the very person side by side with us, holding our hands think about us. All we ever want is to be the hero in the person's eyes. 

Then along the way, we fall from cloud nine to ground zero. We got our hearts' broken, we ran into a wall, and everything shattered into pieces. And life feels like shit because all these while, we were so focus on impressing the very person we loved and now he or she is gone. 

After awhile, we began to pick ourselves up and tell ourselves that our lives are more than just this. So we began getting ourselves involved in activities, keeping ourselves busy, believing that we were moving on, not knowing that all these things are nothing but just distractions. A temporary painkiller that do not last. We try our very best to make ourselves tired to the point where we would not need to drown ourselves to sleep with tears, but it never worked. Then we talked to people; people that seemed to know more than us about all these. As we began to feel that we were getting better, we broke down again, only to find that the only way to get through this is by ourselves. 

And now I look up into the sky and say "help me." . Because I know I cannot do this alone, not without You, not without Your great power and strength. Help me. For as much as I can help myself, i am not strong enough..

.....

Many times i find it difficult to let certain things go in my life. Time and again i feel as if i have lost my mind, but my body keeps on going on with the daily routine; walking, running, reading, sleeping. I want to be free of everything in the past, but they return to haunt me, tear me down every single time when im happy, or when i smile. I tried to get distracted, i tried to get some sleep, but all i end up in was getting distracted by my past and dreaming dreams that made me cry in my sleep. People say you should move on, and live a happier life, a life with no worries with just carefree and wonderful moments. but what does moving on truly means? do every human being move on just the same when they feel pain or sadness in their hearts? can you just do not care about the things that meant so much to you in a month or two? can you get over it completely, regardless of how deep the cut was? can the wound heal?....

I feel lost, so distant from my very own heart. I cannot seem to feel myself anymore. I am numb. I laugh in front of others, but cry in front of the mirror. I feel far away from You, the One and only who can pick me up whenever i need You. But i feel far away right now...i feel alone..help..

hold on..

There are times and situations when you know you cannot let your true self be shown. You know very well that your true feelings should be kept hidden only to yourself for whatever reason you think it's best. Some feelings are best kept unknown. So let it be, let it be that way, even if it hurts so bad; knowing that you do not want to be seen or viewed that way, especially by people who means so much to you. It feels as if you cannot show that you care when you are caring, and you can only love by not showing it. So stay strong, no matter what. Keep firm to what you have decided. For you know better than anyone what is best for you or for that matter, for everything. Do not regret, do not fret, and slowly let it go. There are times and situations when you have no one to hold on to, but always remember you have Him and He alone is more than enough. He's never too small for your problems, neither too big to catch you when you fall. So stand strong; not by your own strength, but through His strength and power, you stand firm and take each step forward, slowly but surely..

footprints..

It's funny how life turned out to be. Years ago i would never have imagined myself being here in the very spot i am standing right now. I still remember back when i was younger; in the days of "no worries about future", i had weird ambitions like being a professional squash player, and even had many things that seem like big worries in my life at that point of time. Now that i look back, i may still laugh at my ambition back then, but i was glad i have been through all the pain and worries that i complained so much about. It was indeed, because of the very things i have been through, that i become who i am today.

If i was asked to list out the very little things that hold me together for so many years, i would name friendship as one of the top of the list. It is no wonder that friendship comes just next in line after God and family. The very day we step out of our house, we meet new faces other than our very own family members. We go to school and realized that there are many others just like us; of the same age, similar size, similar thinking, similar laughter. Then we grow up, and we meet more people, not just from the limited compound of a school, but also the society. And as we walked along our path of life, many people from different walks of life steps into our lives. These people are then referred as friends.

Our lives are no longer to ourselves anymore the very first time we shook the first hand and introduced ourselves to someone. We start sharing our lives with people we call friends, and in return we share their lives too. Pain, happiness, sorrow, tears, joy, excitement, anxiety and fear; we went through them with our friends. Then, as time goes along, we would have met a lot of people, and we start to realize that not everyone of them is the same. We start to experience pain, hurt, betrayal and even rejection in the friendship itself. After much experiences we then come to our senses that there are two main groups of friends; true friends and acquaintances. The difference? One shares both pain and joy with you, the other, just the happy things.

There is an illustration that expresses friendship as the depth of footprints people left in our lives. It was indeed very true. If we think about it, we would not stay put in one place for the rest of our lives. We are bound to meet new people each and every time we reside in a new place, we will then make new friends due to the given circumstances. It is true that we can still keep in touch with friends that we made, who are far away, but we would not be able to be there personally with them anymore; to share and experience their lives. Thus, we move on in life, and start to share our lives with new people and share theirs as well, slowly but surely leaving footprints in their lives, when we are no longer with them.

So the question is not so much of whether you have true friends, but are you a true friend to others? Be a friend, not just an acquaintance, and start leaving footprints in people's lives. And hopefully deep but not shallow footprints. Make a difference in lives of the ones that cross path with you.

What do we do when we fall down?

"Because I love you son." He says

Ryan was on the run of his life, he owed a huge sum of money to a certain loan shark. Just as he was at the verge of being beaten up for what he could not pay back, a man came out and stopped the angry group of men; asked for the amount Ryan owed, reached into his pocket, took out the exact sum of money and paid them. Confused, Ryan asked the man "Why?".

Calmly, he replied," Because i love you son." and walked away.

Another day came, Ryan was walking through a dark and cold valley; shivering and lost, he was about to give up when suddenly a figure of a man came with a torch. The torch was shining bright and the man came over to him, covered him with a coat, took him by his arm and led him out of the valley. The man then took him to a cottage, and got him a room. Just as he was about to leave, Ryan quickly called out to him and asked,"Why?".

And he heard a familiar voice replying, "Because i love you son." And the man walked away.

A few days after that, Ryan picked a fight in a bar, he broke a glass bottle over a man and killed him. Panic-striken, he heard sirens and knew the cops were coming to arrest him, it was too late to escape from the death penalty. Just as the cops were about to come into the bar, a strong hand pushed Ryan aside, grabbed the blood stained bottle from his hand. The cops came in, took hold of the man and dragged him away.

After coming to his senses, Ryan stood up and saw that the man being dragged away by the police officers was the very same man who paid for his debt and saved him from the valley. He then quickly ran after that man and asked,"Why are you doing all these for??"

The man replied,"Because i love you son."

Ryan shouted back, " What are you talking about? I never had a father or anyone in my life!"

The man replied with a smile,"I have always been with you my son, since the very day you were born, watching over you."

And as he was being dragged away, his wallet fell out from his pocket. Ryan picked it up and opened it. Pictures of the man watching over him from behind during his good times, and holding him up when he was in trouble since the very day Ryan was born, flashed before him. The siren sounded and the police car drove off.

looking out the window...i see...

There are so many things going on in people's lives, and how often we as the same species took notice of them? Many of us believed ourselves to be some one good, some one innocent, some one that has not brought any harm to the society, but if we are asked to recall the number of times we hurt somebody, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, it is quite impossible to keep count even if we have more than ten fingers attached to our palms.

For all we know, the very words we say to a person may be the very factor that brought him or her into the life he or she is living. A boy you once know, committed suicide out of a sudden due to the feeling of rejection from society, your words once may have contributed to the foolish act. What kind of world are we living in right now? A world of despair, where every being is judged in accordance to his or her mistakes. Every short comings are magnified and decent points are put off, ignored, as if they are of no value than just common trash. The pressure pressed on by society has caused people to shift their focus onto a limited range of qualities to be considered as someone worth living on the face of the earth.

It is indeed very sad to see humans born of great potential, thrown and cast aside, deemed to be worthless, just for the very fact that they happen to not excel in something that the world entitled it to be 'useful and good'. What kind of world are we living in? How do we as individuals look at other people? Do we judge them by their looks? Popularity? We may greet everyone outwardly with a smile, but what actually is going on in our hearts when we walk pass that very person? How honest can we be with our feelings?

Everyone is born of breath and heart beat. Everyone is born of blood and feelings. The very day we were born, we acquired something called life. We go around living like normal people, trying to strive and be someone of credibility in society, little do we know that the world does not just consist of individuals but a whole big group of people. Our selfishness blinded us from so many people that are scientifically alive but spiritually dead, but we see none of those, because all this while we were looking but into the mirror every single day.

Do not just make a living, but make also a life. A word of encouragement, a genuine smile, or even a sincere helping hand, could make so much of a difference in someone's life. Because, through those actions, we bring a life out of a life itself.

Scary world...

There are times when things are just too scary for us to handle; driving us into a dark corner, making us believe that there is no hope or any future to look upon to. Days will pass and our self confidence is left buried deep in the earth, facing difficulty surfacing. What then do we do? Who do we turn to? Many would turn to their friends, family, some would turn to their religion, principles and beliefs. But of all those people, there will be a hand full of them who turns to no one but themselves; putting all the weight over their bare backs, trying to carry it and run the race of life. These people are the ones that need the most support and comfort at their darkest times, this is because they seek no one and thus making themselves vulnerable to any attacks awaiting in the misty dark world. How many times do we actually neglect our friends when they actually need us to be beside them holding them, to be their crying shoulder, to be there listening to them, to be just there for them. It is very common for us to think for ourselves before hand everytime when our friends are in need of someone. We will start calculating the time we would be spending with them, the energy we would be using to comfort them, the amount of money or things we need to sacrifise to be there for them or to even help them, but we tend to forget what really is important in our very own lives and souls, we focus too deeply on worldly things to the extend that we are not willing to give up temporary objects to save a living soul. How blind can we be comparing lives with objects; the living and the non-living, when there is obviously no comparison between the two. Everything in the world is short lived, nothing lasts forever, everything rots one day and dies and we humans are not an exception to this very destiny. The body can die, but the spirit and soul lives forever, thus on this earth we die but in actual fact we will live forever due to our very own souls in us. The very soul explains and it is our existance; it is because we have a soul of our own that we exist. Why then do we look at things so absurdly? We rather choose things that are not even worth anything in eternity over lives that are priceless; is that not plain madness? We only have so much time, and so long to live, our lives are unpridictably short, and here we are wasting it to gather earthly treasures in which measure to nothing when we die. What is the point of all these acts then when it comes to nothingness in the end of the day?

"Meaningless, meaningless, meaningless!", cried King Solomon in Ecclesiastes, he is indeed right. Life is meaningless, correction, physical life on earth is meaningless; everything you toil for and work for will come to insignificance when the end of time arrives. To put it more accurately, what ever we try to do now to make our lives luxurious on this face of the earth is absolutely meaningless regardless of the time frame, it is only when the end of time comes we realise that it is all of no value and utter rubbish. Why live then? Why not just take our own lives and be that way when our souls will live forever anyway? Why then are we working so hard each day to find a place in society, to put bread into our very own mouths, to quench our thirst and hunger? God created all things so that we live, He asked mankind to go forth and multiply, not go forth and kill yourself. What then am i talking about when i say what we are living now is meaningless? Meaningless only comes when we start worshipping life on earth. When we become to obsessed with things like money and materials, we have fallen into the loop of trivial cycle. Our whole life would be spent looking for fame and wealth, looking for things which are as shallow as our naked eyes could see. There was once a man who was running a race, wanting the trophy badly, he was focused on the finish line. On the way to the finish line, he passed by several contestants who fell and were injured, he closed an eye and continued, then later on, he came across an old man who need help crossing a busy road, not having the time, he dashed away and left the poor old man standing helpless at the side way. There after, he met alot of people who are in need, some were his friends, some were his family members, some were just strangers to him, but none recieved any help from him, because he was focused to finish the race and to own the trophy. When he finally came to the finish line, he roared in victory and claimed the trophy; turning around, he found himself cheering for himself, no one was there along side him. Then he realised that he left all of them behind for the very trophy he was holding, the prize in which became as empty as his heart. The true race from the very beginning has totally nothing to do with who being first and who obtaining the trophy or the prize, it was all about caring and loving, helping each other to finish the race, the real prize is the friendship and relationship made during the race, how ignorant of us to overlook such important things as such in our lives.

What is life all about then? Success? Fame? None of those i would say. I do not know about you, but to me, life is all about love. Love in which brings us together as one. We can have all the money and fame in the world, but without love, nothing comes to pass. Without love, nothing is real nor true. It is said in the Bible that the greatest commandment is to love your neighbour as yourself, in other words, love others the way you would love yourself. This commandment does not just speak to the christians, i believe that it makes total sense to many people from other religions as well. How can we say we love our family and friends when we do not love them as we would love ourselves? What is love when u do not care for others like how you care for yourself? Love is only true when it is sincere, loving some one fully is giving our hundred percent of the love, not dividing the love we have for others, because there is always enough love to give; for love multiplies.

A scary world we live in; where people around says that they love us but really how much do they actually mean it? I believe that all of us made the exact same mistake of telling someone that we love him or her, when we really do not feel the same way as we speak, because love is more than just feelings or emotional rush at the very moment, it is also a commitment we place in our hearts as we speak the three very words :"I love you." A commitment in which is easy to start but never easy to hold on to it, love may be just a four letter word, but it speaks more than anything else, because with love comes everything and nothing lives without it.

have you found it?

Many people find it hard to grasp the main principle in life. They all want to excel in everything they do; in work, in studies, in sports, in games even in love. Most will aim for an A in whatever they have devoted themselves to, be it studies or work, but how many actually aim for an A in life? No matter how successful one can be in their work place or in their studies, if they have no purpose in life, everything is meaningless. What is the point of gaining all the money you can, all the A’s in all of the subjects you are studying, but do not have a true purpose that you are actually living for? One may say that money is their purpose in life, but how long can it last? Material things fade away, and when they fade away, what else is there to live on for? One will end up moving from things to things, items to items, people to people to search for that one thing that can keep them living on this earth with enough reasons. What good will these bring them then? Where will they go from there? A true purpose in life is when everything is stripped off a person, and he or she still lives on with a satisfied heart, knowing that he or she has enough reasons to live a fulfilled life.

Have you found a true purpose in life?

normal / special ??

Many times i ask a very common question almost everyone would ask- "why me?". There are times in my life when things are placed onto my shoulder and i just do not know whether i am fit for it or not, and what is worse, people around me actually believe that i can do it. Ironic is it not? That people believe in you more than you believe in yourself. To begin with, i totally rate myself as someone normal, not really special in any ways. Comparing myself with people around me, i see so many great individuals in whom are so great in their own ways, and honestly i envy them at times. They can write better than me, they are better interms of academics, they read faster, they run faster, they talk better, they think faster even, and they are just so matured n capable in many ways, so much so that i do not even stand a chance if i were to stand next to any of them and begin comparing myself with them. They seem greater, and no matter what i do or say, i can never surpass them, not in any ways that i know of ofcourse.

Dispite all these complicated low self esteem, people keep telling me that i am special, as a special girl in my life would say :" You're special to me Jien." =), Thanks Nicole, really appreciate that. Well, maybe i do stand a certain value in her life, but who am really in my own life? Am i not suppose to be the main character in my life? Why cant i just see a tiny little bit of greatness in myself? Why cant i just stop comparing myself with others? Everyone is imperfect isnt it? Then how come they seem so perfect to me in my eyes? Questions after questions, none will be answered with satisfactory for i am the judge to all answers given to these questions, and as much as i do not want to accept certain facts, i hear and listen nothing to what others say, as long as it is not what i want to hear, it will not pass. Such ignorance? Ignorance is bliss? No, not all the time. =)

I want to be smarter. I want to be taller. I want to be bigger. I want to be quicker. I want to be greater in many ways, i want i want i want...but i cant, or atleast not yet. I am just a normal kid, i have never topped in class, i have never excell extremely well in sports, i have never really out spoken anyone in debates, or write an article so great that it gets posted up in newspaper.=P...i am just a normal person, and no doubt, so is everyone else around me, just that i do not see it. This feeling of being normal is beginning to confuse me, for the longer i feel this way, the more it seems as if i want to feel normal, and i just want to be normal for the sake of feeling normal. As weird or insane as it may seem, it is true. For even if i am able to solve a hundred calculus questions in a minute or run as fast as a lightning, i will still say i am normal. This normality feeling is getting into me, it has become part of me for some reason, and i just cannot get rid of it.

Am i truely normal then? Well, scientifically speaking, i am. I have normal body cells, no mutated ones (Thank God, if not i'll be dying in months to come). I have bones and flesh, i have 2 eyes, 2 arms and 2 legs. I am pretty much a normal person on the outside. But the question here is whether am i normal on the inside? I do not know. But i do know that i am a son of God, is that supposed to be special then? i guess so. I am created different from others, so therefore i am special? Logically speaking, yes. Do i feel special? I don't really know what to feel like anymore...

I may not be as smart as most people, i may not be as tall or big as most people, i may not be as good in music or sports as others, but i am sure i am still who i am, God made me so, thus i am different from others and that itself makes me special. What does it really mean to be special? To be better than others? To shine above the rest? If every outstanding quality of a person reflects how special the person is, then who is truely special? I believe, a person is special based on their own personality and the fact that he or she is not like anyone else, and that itself makes him or her special, not just in the eyes of mortals, but also in the eyes of God.=)

I am special. Not because i can do things that others cannot, not that i can impress or charm people better than anyone else, but the simple fact that i am different from others is what makes me special. Who am i? I am a son of God. Special? Yeah, i guess. Thank You God, You made me special.=)

wordless..

I want to say so many things, but i just cannot find the right words to say, or rather i cannot find the right way to arrange my sentences in such a way i present completely in a perfect manner of what i want it to. In the end, writing becomes meaningless. Thoughts flow in the head, but no words written down. Indeed, i am wordless...