Loss...

How does it feel to lose someone you love? Well, i know the answer. Losing someone you love hurts, it pains and its grieving. You will question alot about life, death and even God many times. You will feel so dazed and so lost, not knowing what to think of and lose all the mood you have in something which you are doing in an instant. Its not easy to lose someone that you love, especially in such a sudden moment of time, catching you out of guard. You will mourn, you will cry, you just cant be bothered about everything around you. It is like losing your soul and yet at the same time your body still dwells among man. Your mind will be oblivious to the surroundings many times and when you are alone you will just find the silence depressing. Yea, losing someone is hard, and losing someone you love is harder still. Nothing is easy, nothing is simple, life is complicated as death is almost the same as well. Though no matter how many times i tell myself that i should rejoice instead of grieve for the person is in a better place now, i still find it hard to rejoice deep down in my heart. Knowing that it is over and the person is in a better place and actually accepting it are two different things. I tried my best to remain strong and happy but still i fail, only to find myself grieving even more when i am alone. Then i came upon Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4- For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. A time to mourn and a time to rejoice. It took me some time to register this into my head, and before i actually knew it, i was grieving over the loss again. I am still in grief, no doubt about that, especially when i am alone, but soon this season will come to an end then a season to rejoice will come into the picture. Though happiness may not always be with me, but the JOY i have in Him would last forever and ever, never coming to an end, for it is a joy of eternity and a joy of life. Am i sad? Yes, i am. But not for very long, for the time will come when i rise and rejoice again.

Death is nature of life, a common destiny for all living things.

Tired...

Tiredness loomed down onto my shoulders like the weight of the deepest ocean. Life seemed so unfair and meaningless, everything went wrong and nothing went right. I laid down all my work, burden of which i have been carrying on my back for the pass few months and jumped into bed, woke up next morning and everything went back to carrying the heavy bag on my shoulders, pressuring studies in my mind, busyness as a committee in the CF, it went round and round again, just like a circle of train tracks; there is a beginning and no end, it goes on and on, almost insignificant.

I walked around college aimlessly, not literally but spiritually aimlessly, knowing what i was to do the next moment but not knowing what the was the purpose for it. It was pure blindness, the blindness of the heart; doing so much but yet with so little of meaning in it. Then it hit me in the head that i was wrong in my perception, i began to see things as burdens of which i have to carry, everyday it became heavier and heavier and truely i lost the significance of doing it and tiredness overtook my life. I woke up and came back into a sense of realization and was reminded of what my purpose in life was. I came to remember the reason why i was and am still living. There is no greater reason than God Himself.

Coming back on track, everything went on better; the burden became joy, the tiredness brought smile out of my face and the world seemed to be a better place to live in, a much better place. I still feel tired many times, the tiredness has not gone just like that, even as i pen down my words now. It is still there, bad things still happens, incidents, responsibilities, relationships, illness, all these still occurs but my way of approaching them has changed and that makes all the difference. Going through life is not that hard afterall, for instead of facing calamities with my own strength, i face them with a greater and much superior power, God's strength.

I am tired most of the time, both physically and mentally, not to mention spiritually as well. Life seems very disappointing many times, frustrations never cease to come into my life. I fell many times and picked myself up only to find that God was with me all these while. I complained many times, thinking that no one was listening, only to realise that God was quietly listening all these while. I cried to myself thinking that no one cared, only to realise that God was comforting and soothing my soul all these while. I felt tired many times but still carried on, feeling proud of myself and my own abilities, only to realise that it was God's strength and not my own that i was working with. I yearned for a resting shoulder, only to realise that God's shoulder was always ready for me to rest on.

As tired as i can be, as lowly as i can feel, the joy in my heart and the fire in my soul can never stop burning. Life is most definitely wonderful and great for i carry not a burden but a joy in which kept me going; living a life filled with hope and love that can never be aquired on this earth itself. I am always tired, i become frustrated and disappointed with my life many times, i do know that life can be tough sometimes and many times its just ugly, but as terrible as it can be I enjoy living the life i am living now, for i know i have indeed the true joy in my life and the reason to live on, for coming back on track to the Lord, the purpose in my life became clear and my existence became significant again.