Many times i ask a very common question almost everyone would ask- "why me?". There are times in my life when things are placed onto my shoulder and i just do not know whether i am fit for it or not, and what is worse, people around me actually believe that i can do it. Ironic is it not? That people believe in you more than you believe in yourself. To begin with, i totally rate myself as someone normal, not really special in any ways. Comparing myself with people around me, i see so many great individuals in whom are so great in their own ways, and honestly i envy them at times. They can write better than me, they are better interms of academics, they read faster, they run faster, they talk better, they think faster even, and they are just so matured n capable in many ways, so much so that i do not even stand a chance if i were to stand next to any of them and begin comparing myself with them. They seem greater, and no matter what i do or say, i can never surpass them, not in any ways that i know of ofcourse.
Dispite all these complicated low self esteem, people keep telling me that i am special, as a special girl in my life would say :" You're special to me Jien." =), Thanks Nicole, really appreciate that. Well, maybe i do stand a certain value in her life, but who am really in my own life? Am i not suppose to be the main character in my life? Why cant i just see a tiny little bit of greatness in myself? Why cant i just stop comparing myself with others? Everyone is imperfect isnt it? Then how come they seem so perfect to me in my eyes? Questions after questions, none will be answered with satisfactory for i am the judge to all answers given to these questions, and as much as i do not want to accept certain facts, i hear and listen nothing to what others say, as long as it is not what i want to hear, it will not pass. Such ignorance? Ignorance is bliss? No, not all the time. =)
I want to be smarter. I want to be taller. I want to be bigger. I want to be quicker. I want to be greater in many ways, i want i want i want...but i cant, or atleast not yet. I am just a normal kid, i have never topped in class, i have never excell extremely well in sports, i have never really out spoken anyone in debates, or write an article so great that it gets posted up in newspaper.=P...i am just a normal person, and no doubt, so is everyone else around me, just that i do not see it. This feeling of being normal is beginning to confuse me, for the longer i feel this way, the more it seems as if i want to feel normal, and i just want to be normal for the sake of feeling normal. As weird or insane as it may seem, it is true. For even if i am able to solve a hundred calculus questions in a minute or run as fast as a lightning, i will still say i am normal. This normality feeling is getting into me, it has become part of me for some reason, and i just cannot get rid of it.
Am i truely normal then? Well, scientifically speaking, i am. I have normal body cells, no mutated ones (Thank God, if not i'll be dying in months to come). I have bones and flesh, i have 2 eyes, 2 arms and 2 legs. I am pretty much a normal person on the outside. But the question here is whether am i normal on the inside? I do not know. But i do know that i am a son of God, is that supposed to be special then? i guess so. I am created different from others, so therefore i am special? Logically speaking, yes. Do i feel special? I don't really know what to feel like anymore...
I may not be as smart as most people, i may not be as tall or big as most people, i may not be as good in music or sports as others, but i am sure i am still who i am, God made me so, thus i am different from others and that itself makes me special. What does it really mean to be special? To be better than others? To shine above the rest? If every outstanding quality of a person reflects how special the person is, then who is truely special? I believe, a person is special based on their own personality and the fact that he or she is not like anyone else, and that itself makes him or her special, not just in the eyes of mortals, but also in the eyes of God.=)
I am special. Not because i can do things that others cannot, not that i can impress or charm people better than anyone else, but the simple fact that i am different from others is what makes me special. Who am i? I am a son of God. Special? Yeah, i guess. Thank You God, You made me special.=)
Saturday, June 09, 2007
normal / special ??
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3 comments:
this is an interesting piece of writing. IMO, people should not be compared with other people, as all each and every one of us have our strengths and flaws. in certain aspects we are comparable, ie academic performance etc, but we should not compare our personality and talents with others.
everyone's personality is unique to oneself. what makes you special? no two people will give the same answer. honestly, i've been looking for the answer to the question myself.
i believe that we can't see what's special within ourselves, or what makes us appeal. we can identify what we're good at, or what we're not, but we can't see what makes us appeal. that one, we have to ask somebody significant.
i personally think that you write very well. :)
This constant comparison to other people is normal, and in a sense, it takes us down from our high horses and teaches us raw humility. But too much humility, like in your case, is disasterous because it makes your self-esteem low and it eats you up.
Perhaps look at your life as a journey in itself to achieve perfection? That's what I do lah. And it's been keeping me sane so far! :)
Yohh, and don't say you're like "nothing" like that OK. There are tons of people really worse off than you in every meaning of the word. If you're nothing, then what are they? Take myself for example. I really wouldn't mind being in your shoes. You have NUMEROUS talents (DON'T deny it; the most you can claim is "underdeveloped" but I forbid you from saying "none!") and you mean the world to your girlfriend. I wish I meant as much to someone else...you know? Damnit, why I takde bee-eff :P
"Specialness" could mean outshining other people, but as you redefined it, being a unique individual makes one automatically special. And perhaps this definition is easier on the heart and mind.
IMO, outshining others isn't that great, having a great heart is much better. Eg. You could be brainy (or very tall hehe) but be totally bad-hearted. And you, Jien, you're a nice person. And that makes you awesome.
Good for people to know.
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