night sky

Gazing into the dark blue sky, my heart floated into mid-air, as if i was being held on top of the world; hovering peacefully with constant pace above the surface of the earth. Taking my view off the sky, i was back on hard earth, standing with my two feet stuck on the ground, i took a deep breath of the much fresh air which filled my lungs with satisfaction of confidence; the confidence that i will live to take another breath. Then i looked at the ground beneath my feet and realised that i was standing on soft green pasture, and bare footed i was, i felt comfortable as the grass began to caress my feet, massaging them with such elegance that only the nature could give. I stretched my body and sat on the ever inviting natural cushion which acted as a magnet, keeping my lower part of body close in contact with it, refusing to budge from its position. Once again i fixed my eyes on to the sky and this time i saw stars, shining so brightly, positioned in such beautiful arrangement and pattern, way beyond what was expected or imagined. As i enjoyed the anticipation of seeing more of what the stars could show me, i smelled a stench of loneliness in the atmosphere and only then it came to me that i was alone in the darkest night with only lights that nature provided best. I ignored the annoyingly stinging solitary feeling and when back in focus on my date with the night sky. Lifting my head once more, a brighter light unexpectedly shone into my eyes, i was caught a back but turned to look for the source of it and found myself looking at one of the most beautiful creation of God - The Moon. As i began to admire its light and shape of sheer perfect roundness, i looked more closely and realised that on the surface of the moon laid many dents and ugly scars, but yet on the whole it looked perfectly fine and wonderful with its brightness upholding its reputation.

The moon is filled with scars but yet its called a beauty by millions of tongues, if a moon can be judged that way, why not a human? The moon is not afraid to show its flaws, though filled with dents n scars it shines ever brightly with pride and honour, shouldn't us human do the same? Perfect is no human and beauty is all mankind, it is of no rights of anyone to call the other ugly for his or her flaws, for the former himself will suffer from the name that comes out of his mouth as he himself has flaws as well; call a person ugly and you are uglier, but call a person beautiful and you will be a much more beautiful person than you used to be. Imperfection is common, hiding them will only reveal more of your flaws, admitting to them will bring you not shame but pride, honour and respect, for a man who admits to his flaws is truthful not only to others and himself, but most importantly to the One above who created and made it all.

Gazing into the dark blue sky, i smiled with the knowledge that as imperfect as i am, i am beautiful.

Loss...

How does it feel to lose someone you love? Well, i know the answer. Losing someone you love hurts, it pains and its grieving. You will question alot about life, death and even God many times. You will feel so dazed and so lost, not knowing what to think of and lose all the mood you have in something which you are doing in an instant. Its not easy to lose someone that you love, especially in such a sudden moment of time, catching you out of guard. You will mourn, you will cry, you just cant be bothered about everything around you. It is like losing your soul and yet at the same time your body still dwells among man. Your mind will be oblivious to the surroundings many times and when you are alone you will just find the silence depressing. Yea, losing someone is hard, and losing someone you love is harder still. Nothing is easy, nothing is simple, life is complicated as death is almost the same as well. Though no matter how many times i tell myself that i should rejoice instead of grieve for the person is in a better place now, i still find it hard to rejoice deep down in my heart. Knowing that it is over and the person is in a better place and actually accepting it are two different things. I tried my best to remain strong and happy but still i fail, only to find myself grieving even more when i am alone. Then i came upon Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4- For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. A time to mourn and a time to rejoice. It took me some time to register this into my head, and before i actually knew it, i was grieving over the loss again. I am still in grief, no doubt about that, especially when i am alone, but soon this season will come to an end then a season to rejoice will come into the picture. Though happiness may not always be with me, but the JOY i have in Him would last forever and ever, never coming to an end, for it is a joy of eternity and a joy of life. Am i sad? Yes, i am. But not for very long, for the time will come when i rise and rejoice again.

Death is nature of life, a common destiny for all living things.

Tired...

Tiredness loomed down onto my shoulders like the weight of the deepest ocean. Life seemed so unfair and meaningless, everything went wrong and nothing went right. I laid down all my work, burden of which i have been carrying on my back for the pass few months and jumped into bed, woke up next morning and everything went back to carrying the heavy bag on my shoulders, pressuring studies in my mind, busyness as a committee in the CF, it went round and round again, just like a circle of train tracks; there is a beginning and no end, it goes on and on, almost insignificant.

I walked around college aimlessly, not literally but spiritually aimlessly, knowing what i was to do the next moment but not knowing what the was the purpose for it. It was pure blindness, the blindness of the heart; doing so much but yet with so little of meaning in it. Then it hit me in the head that i was wrong in my perception, i began to see things as burdens of which i have to carry, everyday it became heavier and heavier and truely i lost the significance of doing it and tiredness overtook my life. I woke up and came back into a sense of realization and was reminded of what my purpose in life was. I came to remember the reason why i was and am still living. There is no greater reason than God Himself.

Coming back on track, everything went on better; the burden became joy, the tiredness brought smile out of my face and the world seemed to be a better place to live in, a much better place. I still feel tired many times, the tiredness has not gone just like that, even as i pen down my words now. It is still there, bad things still happens, incidents, responsibilities, relationships, illness, all these still occurs but my way of approaching them has changed and that makes all the difference. Going through life is not that hard afterall, for instead of facing calamities with my own strength, i face them with a greater and much superior power, God's strength.

I am tired most of the time, both physically and mentally, not to mention spiritually as well. Life seems very disappointing many times, frustrations never cease to come into my life. I fell many times and picked myself up only to find that God was with me all these while. I complained many times, thinking that no one was listening, only to realise that God was quietly listening all these while. I cried to myself thinking that no one cared, only to realise that God was comforting and soothing my soul all these while. I felt tired many times but still carried on, feeling proud of myself and my own abilities, only to realise that it was God's strength and not my own that i was working with. I yearned for a resting shoulder, only to realise that God's shoulder was always ready for me to rest on.

As tired as i can be, as lowly as i can feel, the joy in my heart and the fire in my soul can never stop burning. Life is most definitely wonderful and great for i carry not a burden but a joy in which kept me going; living a life filled with hope and love that can never be aquired on this earth itself. I am always tired, i become frustrated and disappointed with my life many times, i do know that life can be tough sometimes and many times its just ugly, but as terrible as it can be I enjoy living the life i am living now, for i know i have indeed the true joy in my life and the reason to live on, for coming back on track to the Lord, the purpose in my life became clear and my existence became significant again.

JOY

Joy is a daily choice, not a future hope.

You choose to be joyful, you don't plan to be joyful. =)

you are beautiful, so am i

Many would have heard this before, but i am going to say it once more, "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and that is true." If one tells you that you are not beautiful, bother not to defend yourself, because he or she is telling the truth but only in their own views. You must remember that the world is big, and there is definitely atleast one person on the surface of the earth that thinks that you look beautiful. Your friends might not look at you as someone beautiful but someone else does, and remember that, beauty does not just lie in the external looks, there's more to beauty and just looks.

Personally, I believe that a person's personality and character outshines the looks. I am not saying this because everyone is saying it, or neither am i saying this to sound wise, but i am saying this because i know very clearly of what is coming out of my mouth. I myself had experienced it before and am experiecing it as i meet new people each day. People that i met in which i do not remember much of their appearance, bloomed into a beauty after knowing them for sometime, indeed surprised me tons. I sometimes asked myself, why didnt i realised earlier how beautiful a certain person was and is, i guess, its just that i never really knew the person well enough to see it. Character and personality does outshines the looks, the heart wins no matter what.

Have you ever come to a point in your life where when you look at everyone else, you just find them beautiful? I don't know about you, but i have, and the time is now. As i began to judge people less of their appearance, i found myself looking into their hearts many times, and no matter who they were or whether their personality matched mine, i found them beautiful and just lovable. Even as their hearts won my favour, their looks became more and more beautiful each day. As i have said before, personality and character outshines the looks, and the heart wins no matter what. Atleast for me it is so.

But i have come to a point where i realised that what is most important is not so much of how the world look at us. Its more of how we look at ourselves and how God looks at us. The world's opinions are not as important as our own and as God's, how can we compare the two person in our lives in whom know us best with the world which hardly can even remember our names in hundred years to come. Remember this, if you see yourself as a beautiful person, you would act as one and you would become one, but nevertheless, no matter how you look at yourself or how the world looks at you, God always see you as a beautiful creation and unique in your own ways, the same goes for everyone. Who are we to judge each others appearance? Doesnt judging belongs to the mouth of the creator? For only the potter can judge his own clay of vase. There is a purpose for each creation, and only the creator knows the answer, who are we to judge, who are we to judge.

Bear in mind always " You are beautiful, so am i."=)

walking

I have been walking alot. I walk to college everyday, i walk around college almost forever, i walk up the stairs to classes (run sometimes), i walk to sunway pyramid mall when i had to, i walk back to the condo everyday after my classes, i walk to dinner, i walk to sports centre just to play my favourite sports, yea, i walk alot, almost never ending. Of all these walks, tiring as they can be, i found them nothing compared to a certain walk in my life in which tires both my body and spirit, it starts at a point and never ends-My walk with God.

Unlike walking to places, walking with God never ends and never stops, its forever and for life. Its not easy and trust me, its tiring and frustrating at times. There is no such thing as rest or just putting it aside for awhile. Walking with God is a constant thing, its like traveling on a journey, you never stop in a journey to a certain place, you keep going until you reach the destination; same thing with the walk with God, its just that the destination is eternity, thus it wont come until we have gone through our second death.

Walking with Him had never been easy, and many times i fell unseizingly. The walk with God its the most tiring and exhausting walk in my life, and what is most surprising is i havent even walked half or a quarter of the journey yet, there is still a long way to go. Everyday i not only walk to places physically, but at the same time, i am walking with Him by my side, i am walking with Him close to my heart. At times when i was happy, He was there, at times when i was sad and down, He was also there. His presence never left me, but many times i forsake Him and acted as if He wasnt with me, complained and found myself filled with nothing but foolishness.

My walk with God isnt just merely a walk, its more than that, its doing what is right in my life according to His commandment, and have a close relationship with Him. Throughout the walk, i have to trust Him to guard me and have faith that He will look after me. Its never easy to trust someone in which you cannot see with your own eyes neither can you feel it literally, but i do feel His presence surrounding me everywhere i go, He is the reason i walk cheerfully many times and He is also the reason why when i am just too tired to walk, i continued walking. He gave me strength to carry on with life when things go rough, and when i am just too worn out and weary, He carries me with the loving arms of His.

I walk alot. I walk to many places in which i could reach with my feet, but the most wonderful walk in my life thus far and in time to come is a certain walk in which i treasure the most, it starts at a point and never ends-My walk with God.

Ponders.....

Looking up into the sky, i wondered, how far were the stars from where i was. Feeling the breeze of the wind, i wondered, how long will the wind continue blowing. Walking along the concrete ground, i wondered, how long did it took them to make such a pavement. I closed my eyes, enjoyed the wind, the ever blowing breeze, as it caressed me, it soothened my soul and calmed me down. I smiled, i just loved the wind. As i gazed into the sky full of stars, i began to ponder about alot of things, i began to see my past, my present.

I began to think of what i have been throught the pass years back in Malacca. The times i made friends, the times i seperated from them, the times i enjoyed the friendships, the times i was hurt by the friendship in which i put so much trust in. Then, many events just ran through my head, from the memories kept so well in the brain. I began to shut my eyes and see all the happy moments and also many heartbreaking ones as well. Shoke my head, opened my eye lids, and the memories were gone, atleast for that period of time.

I positioned my head once more and found myself looking straight into the moon, it was round and shining ever bright. As the light shone on my face, i closed my eyes and began to float into the most recent memories in my life. I thought of people in whom came into my life over here in college, i began to see the faces in whom had made a very great impact in my life in these past few months. Every encouraging words began to pound once more in my ears, every insult, every criticism. I thought about each one of them and realised that some were true and some were not, then unjust criticism began to annoy me, i closed my ears, shoke my head, opened my eyes, and it was back to normal, atleast for that period of time.

This time I positioned myself such that i was able to see both the moon and the stars, as i was enjoying the beauty of the natural lights, a strong breeze came rushing my way, flooding my head with thoughts, i closed my eyes. I began to think of myself currently, i began to judge myself, how i rate compared to others, i began to think about many other things as well, i thought of love, i thought of life, i thought of death. Then the thought of losing close ones came into my head, i was frightened by it, shoke my head, opened my eyes, and it was gone, atleast for that period of time.

My eyes stopped focusing on the sky, i began to feel the whole atmosphere surrounding me, and a sense of comfort came upon me. I started singing and humming how good God was, is and is to come, i began to praise and worship Him in silence and sincerity; pondering about how wonderful God was, is and is to come. And i thanked Him for everything that i have been through, everything that i am going through and everything that i will be going through. I walked back to my room with ease and thankfulness, no longer pondering upon thoughts in which seemed so meaningless afterall.

Jien and Relationships

As i have been asked by many and have been questioned by many of my fans when is my next book "Jien and Relationships" coming out. I've finally decided to pen it down and publish it.lolz...I had actually drafted it down on my personal notebook, but as i write now, i decided not to follow any draft and just write freely like all my other posts.=) Hope you all enjoy it.

"Jien and Relationship"....here goes nothing..

Relationship is the beauty of life. It makes our life more interesting, more wonderful, more exciting, but many times it hurts as well. Different relationships bring different impact into our lives, some build us up, others bring us down, as relationship is a choice made by man; as similar to our lives, for people in whom we mix with influence the choices we make in our lives, thus relationship is indeed one of the most important choice to be made in life's journey.

To me, there are 3 main types of relationships. 1st, FAMILY, what about them? Well, its true that you can never choose your family members, but there's always a choice whether to accept them for who they are and love them as you love yourself. Family is one great thing, you see, you can never escape from it, for it would be bonded to you for life, whether you like it or not. They can be supportive , they can be hurtful, but that doesnt really matters, what really matters is what are they to you? Do you love them? How do you treat them? You see, you can choose to hate them when they are unfair to you, but that would only hurt more, or you can choose to love them and forgive them for all the unfairness and learn to look at the blessings that they have brought into your life, and appreciate them for who they are. Its your choice, its your life, you chooose.

The next relationship im going to look into is FRIENDS. Friends are known as one group of people you can never miss in your life. No matter how much you keep to yourself, you are bound to meet atleast one friend in your life. Why do i say that? Well, simple, friends are true friends, if they are not, they aren't friends at all. Friends are people in whom who are not related to us but cares for us. You do not have to know a person thoroughly to be his or her friend, but by just caring and loving the person for who he or she is, that is already being a friend to that particular person. In friendship, what is important is not so much of the actions shown but its the thoughts and the heart that counts.

The last and most important relationship of all is the relationship between God and human. This is the greatest relationship of all. The reason why i say this is because, one party loves the other so much that He is willing to give up His life for the other, and yet the other party does not realise this and took it for granted. In a way, its a sad relationship, because its one sided and many times it seems as if both party do not connect with each other, or rather one party is making the effort but the other isnt. Many times we forsake God, many times He speaks but we do not listen, many times we take Jesus's death on the cross for granted, and many times we fail Him. But what is so special about this relationship is that, no matter how much we let Him down, He still loves us as much as He loves Himself. As much as we do not have a choice, He gave us a choice whether to love Him or not, whether to seek a deeper relationship with Him. Thus is the beauty of this relationship, because its a relationship in which the gap of love between both party is so wide and far apart, yet, its the most meaningful relationship of all. No matter how many times we humans forsake Him and call it quits, He still waits patiently for us to return to Him, for this relationship is built and can never be broken.=)

Thus ends the 1st part of "Jien and Relationships" the second part is going to be out soon, but not so soon, it'll cover more on relationships and has more interesting detail in it. Until then, enjoy.=)

Writer's quote: Relationships do not just grow on trees, you plant them and you work on them. They do not come free, there's always a price to pay.

What's your priority in life?

Many times i've been asked of what my priority in life is, and many times i would give a very Holy and Godly answer, an answer in which people loves to hear- God. A standard answer it is, as people would be all amazed and think that "wow!! He is a holy guy huh, cool. " , but you know what, many times i fail to put God 1st, no matter how much i say that God is the priority in my life, in the end of a day, i still find myself pouring more attention to many other things and doing many unnecessary things in which is against God's will. I find myself giving into temptation, neglecting God's word and worst of all, spending so little time with Him when i actually deemed Him as the priority of my life; what a shame, what a shame.

I'm going to be honest here. What does it mean to have God as your priority in life? Well, the answer is simple, put God 1st in whatever you do, love Him more than anything else, live a life of which is pure and holy in the Lord, and have a strong and growing relationship with Him. You see, putting God as a priority in your life or rather in our lives is not so much of the question of how much you have served the Lord or how much you have done for the Lord. It doesnt mean that when you are playing music for your church worship session, you're putting God as your priority in life. It doesnt mean that when you bring hundreds of people to Christ, you are putting God as your priority in life. What matters most is not how much you do, is how sincere you do it. And the question is not how much you or i have done for the Lord, but more of how close you or i am with the Lord? think about it.

I came to realise this when i was in the car with my mom one day. We were talking about many things and i was so enthusiated, telling her all about me serving in the CF here in sunway, then she suddenly said " Boy, its good that you're all passionate to serve the Lord, but remember, always keep in mind what is your priority in life. What do you seek? remember, serving the Lord is good, but what is most important is your relationship with Him."

I was dumbfounded and struck at the head when she said that, and she was right. I came to ask myself a very important question "At what level is my relationship with God now?" honestly, i couldnt answer, or rather i was ashamed to answer. Many times we overlook things, as we begin to serve God, we enjoy it, no doubt but we tend to lose our focus, and all these serving acts slowly become a material, a hobby or something we idolise; we begin to do it to feel a sense of accomplishment or sometimes frankly speaking, to show off. All these suddenly become actions for the sake of selfpleasure, to ease our soul or make us feel better than others. I myself have fallen into this trap many times, many times.

But God is good, He is merciful and most of all, understanding. He understands that i am not perfect, He knows that its difficult to place Him 1st always in my life, but He also knows one thing, that is, though its hard and rocky but im trying my very best to remain focus. I try to see things differently, instead of me serving the Lord, it became the Lord using me to do something for Him. I begin to appreciate God more, and begin to acknowledge His strenght in which is working through me as i serve Him all this while. Its not easy but atleast im trying, striving each day to be closer with Him.

Ask yourself a question, do you want to come to heaven one day and have God saying to you," you have brought many to me and have served in many ministries as well, but i do not know you and you do not know me as well, depart from me." Or would you prefer God to call by your name and welcome you in? Think about it, what do you want God to know you as? The things you've done in your life? or your name, your personality, your walk with Him and you? your choice, you choose, i've chosen mine.=)

But, before you answer that question, ask yourself- What is YOUR priority in life?

Time

Time is a great factor. It heals damages and it does damages as well. What really amaze me is that, people change through time, and they actually really do. Forgiveness comes throught time too, =). And time has really changed me, coming to Sunway and all. Life i great here, especially when you meet so many people that encourages you every single day. Well, im gonna take some time here to list out those that had been really encouraging me, and due to time constraint i'll only name out the CF committee people, because these are the people that really made me feel so semangated..lolz.=)

1st of all, Liang, hehe, our CF president..hehehe..He's a great guy, he basically has been a real encouragement to me in these six months. I respect him, and the more i know him, the more i respect him. He has great leadership quality, he's caring and loving as well. His self-control and realistic personality really amazed me. The way he looks that things and the way he handles them, taught me alot.=)

Then there's Oon-Ee, our CF vice-pres, this is one guy in whom i respect alot too. Went Thailand mission trip with him early this year and he really encouraged me through his passion and actions. He really loves God and is a really great person, well, he's my cousin now so...lol...he's serious sometimes, scary most would say, but i would say, he's a man of few words and he does more than he speaks.=)

Steven Tan is next,=), our very own music coordinator, one God loving guy in whom i respect alot. This guy has alot of passion and semangat in him, he does so much in Church and CF and yet do so well in his studies. RESPECT!!lol..he really encourages me with his commitment and love for the Lord, and there's one thing he taught me in which i would always keep in mind "In a relationship with your future spouse, its not good to have a face to face relationship, but should be more to a shoulder to shoulder relationship, and both facing towards God."=)

Then we have Vincent Lim, our logistic guy, =P. He's a really caring guy, big friendly giant but kind at heart. He has been a great big bro to me all these while, shared my probs with him and he did the same in return as well, and the thing about Vincent is that, i just feel comfortable talking to him. =) His faith in God really amazes me and encourages me tons.=)

Next up, Sharon, =). Our CF secretary. Well, i don't personally know her that well, but she's a nice girl and really loves God. She encouraged me alot when i 1st became part of the committee; always praising my work, tho there's lots of mistakes here and there but she sees good things in everything and that really encourages me to do better. Thanks Sharon =)

Then there's Shu Yi(KG coordinator), YAY!! This girl is one friendly fella i ever met. She actually knew my name after my 1st visit. COOL!!lol...she's very much a jie jie to me over here. We talk alot about many things, she gives me advices and encourages me by dropping by with a few encouraging words which really touches my heart. She's a sweet and loving girl at heart and cares for many.=)

Steven Ling (our MUSA guy. thts wat i know him as=P)!!!lol...slingy..=P. This guy is one caring guy. lol. When he sees me tired and all, he'll ask me whether im alright or not. lolz...and he's really nice to talk to too!! When he found out that i switched to Alevels, he actually took some time out to help me with the posters and talk to me, after talking to him, i felt really GOOD!! He really encourages me and give me hope. Thanks man.=)

Up next.....ANNA!!!lolz....anna anna anna, as Liang would call her EENAAA..lol. Anna is a nice girl, our prayer coordinator. She's sweet and caring. She's really matured and this really encourages me alot. She works hard and respect people, she has a kind heart and an understanding one as well. She's a good listener as well.=) She invited me to rock climb that day.lol, how nice of her=)

Lastly, JAS!!!!full name Jacintha Ganit Tagal. Tribe: Lun Bawang. lol..our treasurer. The reason her name is last its because i've got lots to say about her.=) This girl i met when i was so called tricked into doing the welcome party for the monashians early this year, lolz.. She's great and fun, and very friendly too. Basically, she has been a really really great and close friend to me.=) She encouraged me when im down, prayed for me and cared for me as a friend( how wonderful of her =) ) But what i really respect and admire of her is her life and the way she's living it. The things that she's been through and the way she dealt with it and the way she looked at it. She showed me many times what is our true purpose in life, and she made me realised that smiling all the time is great!!lol..she smiles all the time =). A strong girl she is, and many would definitely agree with me on this, and she's really in love with the Lord. Spiritually, she has encouraged me alot and as a friend she's done much and i really appreciate her.=) Am really glad that i met her here. Its been a blessing knowing you jas, its been a real blessing. Thanks=).

Life has been different knowing these people, they're great and really passionate. And ofcourse there are many other friends out there as well in which i have no time to write about, they have encouraged me alot too. Thanks people. And to the SMCF committee members, its been a blessing to have met you all and its my honour to be able to serve with all of you. You guys and gals(lol) has blessed my life much and i really admire what you guys are doing, appreciate you all alot.=) Thanks guys.

solitary

Humans are not created to live alone, God 1st created Adam, then Eve. Its so obvious to many that God is trying to tell us something, but what. Perhaps what He said so clearly to Adam and Eve, " Go forth and multiply." But i believe there is more to that. Human needs company, they work together, they interact, they communicate, they just find each other lovable and attractive. There will come a time in which where two homosapiens come together hand in hand and make a covenant with God and one another, probably the most promising and heavy commitment to be made in life-marriage.

Then they will go on to live their lives, but this time, not so much as lives, but life. As two hearts join together, so would their lives join together as one. Such is life? Great isn't it? You marry, you make love, you have yourself a next generation in your blood line, what more could you ask?

Personally, i love being alone. Honestly, i do have times in which i feel lonely, yet i still love being alone. Thats me, and im not planning to change abit on that, because, changing that part of me, i wont be the same Jien i used to be. I once asked a friend "Would you like to marry one day?"

She replied almost immediately " Ofcourse, who wouldnt."

A standard answer indeed, but i replied "Well, i don't mind being single for the rest of my life."

She was quite surprised and asked "Why?"

I smiled and said "I believe that God's love is great and perfect, and i believe that His love is more than enough for me, and if it is His will for me not to get married, so be it, i can survive through Him."

I thought i answered quite inteligently, then a question came flying my direction, "What if you are given a choice, will you choose to marry or not to?"

I must say, i was some what dumb founded by the question, but i replied after putting some thoughts to it, i replied honestly from my heart "Well, honestly, i'll choose to marry, if i am given a choice, but that is if it is God's will and not mine alone."

What my friend pointed out to me was really significant. She showed me that no matter how much we man loved to be alone some times or even many times, we still desire company. She made me realised that solitary's completeness is the question of the heart. I began to ask myself a very simple question, "Do i really feel happy about being alone? Or am i just saying that for the sake of self denial of what i am really seeking for, what i really desire? "

Searching deep into my soul, i have to be honest that i do many times enjoy people's company, i do enjoy spending time with friends. Do i feel left out at times? Who doesnt? Come on, lets be honest here. I admit, i do desire attention at times, but my nature is to step back many times in life and just enjoy what is going on about me. I am more of the type where as long as people is happy, i am happy. I don't really prefer to join in the fun, i prefer to be at the sideline, work behind the stage, doing things for people without their knowledge. Nobility some would call it, but i call it, me, nothing special, nothing to be proud of, because this does not differ me from others, it doesnt make me better than others. Solitary is me and i am solitary. Its just a personality.

I was wondering recently, about why i feel so comfortable being alone. Then something hit me. All these while, i wasnt alone. God was with me, and that is true. Everytime i fret about my disappointments alone in the room, God was there. Everytime i feel frustrated and leftout, God was there. Everytime i spent time alone pondering on thoughts, God was there. Even as i pen down my thoughts now, God is with me. I found the true reason behind the comfortable feeling of being alone, it was afterall, not being alone at all.

Physically, i am indeed alone, but spiritually i am not. No matter how, no matter what, i can never escape what God made me for in the 1st place. I can shun away from man, but never from God, He created me, and thus He lives in me and I in Him.=)

Solitary is bliss when you realised that you were never alone all this while afterall.=)

Such is life

Coming back to malacca was indeed wonderful, it wasnt so much of the journey itself, but more of the moments i went through here. Relatives from as far as America returned to this small little town to attend a great and once in a life time event: My cousin's wedding=) (guess from the picture below you can guess who is who la...my cousin's family)(LOOK AT THE BRIDE!!ISN'T THE BRIDEGROOM A LUCKY AND BLESSED MAN??HAHAHAHAHA....everyone that marries a Pang family is..cept for me la, cos i'll be the blessed one instead=P)

Weddings are always nice, but remember, there is a huge difference between wedding and marriage. Yes, wedding is nice, cool, exciting, you spend a whole day preparing for it, thinking about it, then the time comes where you are in your best attire, walking up the aisle to meet the love of your life. Saying all the vows, holding each others hands announcing the two most convincing words in your life to come "I do". Thats the moment everyone hope and wish for, but bare in mind that weddings are always happy, weddings are there just for that moment of time, while marriage is a life long thing. A commitment in which you'll bare on your shoulders for the rest of your life. Wedding is a head start of a marriage, and right after that, you'll begin a new life, and thats marriage.(so complicated hor...better stay single for d rest of my life la =P)

cousins from America, from left : Andrew, Aaron(he's same age as me, back when we were young, we were like best friends when they came back from states for holidays=), ahhh..those were the days), Rachel, Rebecca(The cute lil girl, very smart too, skipping grade one, WOW!!!when i 1st saw her i was like, AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!sooooooooooooooooo CUTE!!!hehe..), Shu Xyuen, and Eric...=)


The second generation of Pang family(the brothers) From left :My eldest uncle from states(real smart guy, love him lots, very encouraging and close to my family..hehe), my second uncle(bride's dad), my daddy!!(Wise, great, loving, fun, serious, and very much so himself all the time, love him lots =)), my 4th uncle(when i was young, always goes to his house for holidays, back in secondary school days, would even help out in his super market=)), and last of all, my last uncle(youngest among the boys(haha..dunno still qualify to be called boys or not.=P)


My aunties!!!the sisters of Pang family. From right : My eldest aunty from KL(i came back malacca by following her car.hehe, really nice aunty, she prays for me all the time, respect and love her lots), my second aunty(used to find her quite annoying, all us do actually, but I've learnt to love her just as she is=)), my thrid aunt from states(don't really know her that well, but she's nice =)), lastly my last aunt, the youngest of them all(she used to bring back pressies for us when we were young, she stays in Hong Kong, she's really nice and caring as well =))There!!A complete picture of the Pang second generation siblings, where's the parents? The answer is, they are at a better place=) a very much better place=D. Ahhh, the Pang brothers and sisters, each of them are married and have kids, what is more, their kids are getting married, and this will go on and on, such is life, such is life. Time moves like the wind, it waits not for you, it cares not for you, life goes on, but this moment will always be cherished and treasured in all our hearts, for its a new beginning of a potential new generation of the PANG FAMILY.=)
Ahhhh....Happy family..=), this is also another rare picture, not easy to have cousins from so far to come over. A picture worth a thousand words, am glad to be in it.=)

Weddings need alot of preparation, my mom told me that taking wedding pictures itself cost both the bride and bridegroom RM5000.00, i was like wow!!when i heard it. Not only that, they actually spend the whole day just choosing scenaries and posing with nice posture for the photographer ( so very mafan and expensive) =P. The funniest thing i can recall from the wedding is during the morning session where everyone was in the bride's house, the bridegroom arrived abit later than expected and according to chinese custom, he has to bribe his way throught to get the bride out of her locked room. There he came with his red packets and flower standing at the door trying all types of ways to get to the love of his life. There was one condition given, he was suppose to say " i love you " to her in as many languages he knows, i must say i was quite impressed by the amount of languages he can speak(of course he has friends to help him)=P. But, after completing all the task , the door was still locked, and the funniest thing happened; the bride's mother went to the door and knocked saying "Wei, come on!Open the door, we're late!!!"(and indeed we were behind schedule..lolz..then only the door was unlocked and there it was the prettiest lady in the house, sitted right there, awaiting for the roses and a kiss to bring her out of the room and onto the very spot where they make the most important decision of their lives with only two words. Two words to join two lives into one, one word to hold the one life till death parts them-commitment. Such is life, such is life.=)

What happened to the fire?

It was sunday, same old sunday, a day like every other day. The clock struck 7, and i decided to answer to my stomach, the long craving for food organ. Dinner!!Where to?where else? I dragged my feet from my isolated room into to the lift, and walked sluggishly to the condo's cafe to grab some food(like always). I went to the counter, said to the counter lady "Take away, crispy chicken rice, black papper sauce." Paid for it, and was about to slump against the wall to wait for my order, suddenly, i heard my name being called out "Jien!!" I turned, and saw Yeong Wei(my poster saviour) standing at the door leading to a balcony, "we're here, come join us for dinner." I looked abit further and saw two familiar faces, sitting there was Steven Tan(CF's music coordinator- one God loving guy in whom i respect alot), and there was Gideon(Big friendly giant).

I went out, got myself a chair and sat down, then we started yakking..yada yada...we talked about many things ranging from me having just woke up and didnt change my shirt to football matches. Then suddenly, it was all silent, a serious atmosphere took over, Steven turned to me and asked " How are you?"

i as usual answered "im fine, why?"

He then calmly said "When you 1st came, you're very fire up, now the fire like psssssssssssssstttt gone ready, what happened to the fire?"

I was stunned by the question. Some how or the other, maybe i was trying to avoid the tense feeling of silence at that point, quickly answered " Well, the fire is still there, just that its quieter than before."

He nodded, then Gideon crapped something, and we went on talking.

The next morning, I was chatting with Shu Yi, and I suddenly related to her about what Steven asked me that night. Before going off, she asked me a simple question, in which left me pondering with thoughts for quite a long time. She said "Jien, ask yourself one simple question, why did the fire became quieter?"

After the convosation with my all time jie jie over here in Sunway College, I thought for quite sometime, and realised something, the fire didnt became quieter for no reasons, the fire became quieter but hasnt lost its power, its flame.

I quiet down alot. Especially after CF camp, and after some bad experiences with some so called friends over here(YES..In sunway, not malacca, unbelievable eh, didnt expected that to happen here as well). I think the reason for the fire to quiet down is because of the way i see things, i began to quiet down and realised many things. I began to see friends around me who were there all these while but i didnt noticed. Back when i was hyper, i had many friends but little true and close friends, as i began to quiet down, I realised that I actually form a better relationship with people around me than before.

My perspective changed, I became some what wiser, and i began to realise and understand the power of silence. Keeping quiet at times, move lesser, talk lesser, but act more, do more, actions are greater than words.

Yes, the fire may be quieter than before, but its still burning every brightly and ever fiercely. The question is whether do i want to show it or not? Well, i choose not to, not in the way i used to, but in a different way. Keeping and storing the energy for better use is essential, but i always remind myself that i can never accomplish anything with my strenght alone, but with God's strenght i can. For with God, nothing is impossible.

The fire is still burning, burning for God, not for anything else, but for God alone.=)

Love, Faith, Hope...

With love comes faith, and with faith, comes hope. As they say, there's three important elements in life, love, faith and hope, and love is the greatest of them all. Without love, you wont have faith, and without faith, you wont have hope, thus love leads to everything and everything comes from love. Love is affection, love is trust, love is everything you need, love is the only thing in your life that would fulfill all things, it doesnt matter who you are, it doesnt matter what you want, it doesnt matter what you are looking for in life, because, without love, everything would be meaningless.

Love is mercy, love is kind, love is unexplainable and love is just plain love. To love someone, is to be able to trust the person as much as you trust yourself. To love someone is to be able to sacrifice whatever you have for the person, including your own life. To love someone is to be able to forgive forever for whatever fault the person makes. To love someone is to be able to accept the person for who he or she is. Loving someone is to love the person for no other reasons but because he or she is no one else but themselves.

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Faith is the confidence in something you believe in. To have faith, first have confidence, to have confidence you have to believe strongly in what you believe in. Faith doesnt come over night, faith is built and grown over a long period of time. To have faith is to have no fear or doubt in whatever you believe, but, remember, faith cannot exist without love, this is because with love comes belief, and with that comes faith. Faith does the right thing at the right time.

Hope is something in which people want and really wish for. It is something that brings life out of a person, something in which gives a person a sense of fulfillment in his or her life. Without hope, there is no life at all.

These all come with a choice, you make a choice to love, you make a choice to have faith, then you will have hope in life. Love is as much a question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can. And with love comes faith, and with faith comes hope, and with hope comes life. A life without love, is no life at all.

Words

Words are spoken, some encourage, others hurt, as they say, you can tame almost everything in the world, but never the tongue.

Words cut sharper than the blade, they pierce through you without your knowledge. Words are the strongest weapon of all. Words stop wars, words trigger wars, words encourage people, words bring inspirations, but words also bring a person's down fall. Words hurt alot, especially when they are spoken at the wrong time.

Speak what your hearts desire, but remember this rule when you speak, if you want to speak about someone, speak the truth and speak it right in the face of the person. For critical words do hurt, but they hurt more when the person finds out about it, not through your mouth, but the tongue of others.

Words come out of our mouth, sometimes so sudden, almost without any thoughts to it. Ask yourself a question, when is the last time you praise someone? When is the last time you actually tell someone that she look pretty or he is smart? It's been awhile since you do that huh? Why is it so hard to praise people? Why is it so difficult for us to open our mouth and tell someone that he or she is doing well?

One day, a little boy took an apple out of the refrigerator, he washed it and wanted to take the first bite, but, before biting the apple, he realised that at top of the apple there was a small part of it which was spoilt, without thinking further, he took the apple and wanted to throw it into the dustbin. A hand came and stopped him, it was his mom, she said " Why are you throwing the apple into the dustbin?" the little boy answered " It's spoilt at d top, can't eat it, so i decided to throw it away." his mom took the apple from him, took a knife, and cut off the part of the apple in which was spoilt and passed it back to the little boy, then said "Look, it isn't spoilt now, isn't it? All you need is to cut of the part which is spoilt, then you'll have an edible apple again." The little boy, took the apple, smiled and went away eating it happily.

Similary, we are like apples, everyone of us, thus try and focus on the good points of each person instead of their bad points, then you will be able to praise someone sincerely through your heart. Remember, the fist does much, the mind does more, but words, does most; it crushes hopes and it builds them up, it comes meaninglessly sometimes, but it stays forever in our hearts, words affect people's life, words encourage and discourage one. Words are the greatest weapon and yet, at the same time, the greatest aid.

Age....moments....life....hope.

The seconds ticked at the constant speed, gradually bringing me closer and closer to a different age of my life.

With one last surge of energy, i became 18. Alright!!!18!!!What does that mean? Lots!! Movies(18 rated one la), adulthood( ya meh? still feel like a kid =P) etc.

Though, the one second of movement in time had cause the integer in my age to change, but really, i don't feel anything; i don't feel older, i don't feel more mature, i don't feel any different, i don't even feel anything at all, its well, just like any other day.

Birthday wishes began to flood my computer screen and my cell phone's inbox massegers, calls came, wishing me with the ever sweetest voices, all these made me smile.

I've always wondered, why celebrate a birthday? isnt it just a normal day like any other day? Yes, to me, it was and it is still like any other normal days, probably that is why i dont fancy birthday party on my birthday, and infact i prefer to spend it alone; like many of my other days, my birthday, is just like one of them.

But what is special about this day is it actually leads me to wonder about the moments i've spent with my friends; be it ten years down the road or five years, what so ever( i dont live that long in the world yet =P), i began to think and ponder about the moments i've spent with all my various types of friends, the quarrels, the fights, the fellowship, the times when we just lie down and keep silent, the time when we run around being clowns, every moments hit me straight in the heart, and until then, i realised that my life of 17 years was and is indeed meaningful.

Yes, it is like any other day, no doubt about that, nothing special, nothing great, but it is on this day in which you realise that life is caught in the lob of time. Like it or not, you can never escape, like it or not, you can never rebel against it, like it or not, you'll grow older no matter what. Time stops for no one, moments come and go like the wind, but stays in the heart forever, age climbs higher and higher, life goes on, but all these are meaningless, what really matters is whether you have grown spiritually and mentally. Whether you have grown in heart, soul and mind.

That is why i do not take my birthday as some important and eventful day, i believe that everyday is equally as important as this day. We grow each day, growing is a process that acts through time, every second we grow in thoughts and understanding. We may look 30 outside, but is still a child in the inside, or we may look 15 outside but have a maturity of an adult in the mind and soul.

Yet on the other hand, age brings us experiences in which thoughts and hours spent on pondering cannot bring, the older we grow the more we experience and understand life. As simple as to that, age brings moments, moments brings life, and life brings hope.
Happy Birthday Lih-Jien.

A gift that earns a smile.=)

3rd of June, a Saturday, my bag was yet again back into its usual self; 'big butt' was not to be seen anymore. Really, its just a stuff toy, but a stuff toy as it is, it made a child smiled, not only for that moment, but probably, for the rest of her life. I have to admit, parting with 'big butt' wasnt easy, but giving it to someone in whom needed it more than i do, made the stuff toy which hanged around my bag everyday more than just a decoration. The act, ironically allowed a lifeless object to bring life out of a life itself.

The Fellowship of the Racquets =p

The time will come when all has to be put away, and the racquets are to gather together to form a fellowship; THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RACQUETS. Three of them, side by side, handle by handle, string by string; they stand together, and will fall together if that is the means to do so. Similary, in life, there would come a time where calamity happens, and all your acquaintances leave you. Friends you thought who are true friends turn out to disappoint you, and thus is the time where true friends really show up; the number may be small, or it may be big, but what really matters is when true friends stick together, they would be just like the fellowship of the racquets-standing side by side, hand in hand, hearts with hearts, minds join minds, souls meet souls, but the only difference is, when you fall, your friends would pick you up. Friendship is like a race where when you fall, the rest stop their movement, turn around, pick you up and run along side you till the finish line.

Will good things last?

Shining stars in the sky,
Glowing worms in the cave,
Both of great beauty ever bright,
Fade away all in a night.

Good things come and go like the wind, appreciate and enjoy them while you can, but God's love is overwhelming and long lasting, infact forever. Good things do last for awhile, but if we appreciate them, they'll remain forever in our memory and our hearts. As the same with God's love; if we accept it, its forever ours, the only difference is, good things come and go like the wind, they wait not for you, they spare not your moments, you missed it, your business, but God's love move like the time, it follows you as you journey through life-the greatest gift of all, which existed before the creation of heaven and earth, and would last for eternity...